HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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