Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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