the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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