He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
