All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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