I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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