I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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