Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
