Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
