My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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