I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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