How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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