hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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