I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
