It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
