was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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