my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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