I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize