I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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