Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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