her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
