I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
