Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
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She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
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You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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