No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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