I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
