my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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