my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
