I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
