just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
