Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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