And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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