My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
