My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
