My boss' voice literally gives me gas
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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