oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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