i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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