Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
