The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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