Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
