i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
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Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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