I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
