I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
