I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
