A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
