If i come over, it means nothing
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
