cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
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You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
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Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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