also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
