I think i peed on brittanys purse
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
