If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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