i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
