Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
