I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
