for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Testing the emergency boobs hotline