We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird