I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
