Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
