I faked an abortion last night.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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