i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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