when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
