i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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