Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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