you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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