Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
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I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize